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Hello! First of all, since you asked to forgive any typos/grammar, I'll just point out one and leave it at that: "The situation was far too suvere." It should be 'severe.'

I really like your idea here- the hunted lying in wait for the hunter deal. It's a good premise, and you get the idea across really well.

There are a few wording and stylistic things I'd like to point out, however:
In your second paragraph, you say, "Leaves made no rustling nor movement... in fact, there was no sign of movement." I think you could leave out the 'in fact, there was no sign of movement' entirely, and just let it start with 'Frankly, there was no sign of life at all." Having two consecutive sentences tell the reader that there was no movement is a bit redundant.

The amount of ellipses is a bit overwhelming. I understand you're trying to go for a certain feel here, but it tends to get a little bit disjointed, especially towards the end of the piece.

Let's take a look at this line: 'an ugly face of an unrecognizable being..something that may have been an animal.....once..' Firstly, when you use ellipses, they should always come in groups of three. Not two, not five, three, and they should always have a space after them (that's just the rule). Taking this into account, this is what that line should look like: 'an ugly face of an unrecognizable being... something that may have been an animal... once.'

I know the appeal of ellipses, when used correctly they can add quite a bit of atmosphere to a piece. However, try to consider the dash as well. A dash can add a good amount of emphasis to a line. Take the line we just looked at, for example. If you used dashes instead of ellipses: 'an ugly face of an unrecognizable being-- something that may have been an animal... once.' This packs more of a punch.

The final line is really good, and ends things on a quietly dramatic note. You have a pretty good understanding of description.
Keep at it! :D
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.


wiltprince Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
Wow, thank you so, so much for the helpful feedback!
I thought "severe" looked a bit odd; it was one out of the many I was too tired to check the spelling on.

Also, I didn't really realize that indeed: Ellipses do only come in threes!

I'm not used to writing anymore, except for only personal logs and such, so I'm so glad you pointed that out!

I will definately take dashes into consideration now.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and write a critique for it as well, it means a lot to me!
AfterTheNonSequitur Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome, I'm glad I could help! :D
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